When my roommate walked in the door, I looked up from my journal and told her that I have some dilemmas. She replied immediately with “You always have your little dilemmas.” She asked me what my latest ones are, so I explained.
dilemma #1
On Sunday morning, I was getting coffee with a friend when this cute girl I’d matched with on at least one app walked into the shop. I was facing the door and our eyes met, and I recognized her right away even though I’d never seen her in person before. I don’t know if she recognized me. My friend was in the middle of telling me about the advice they gave about eating ass to some queers at a recent party, so I looked back at them as they finished their story. I pointed out the girl after and made a mental note to find her profile later on the apps to see if we’d talked at all.
That afternoon, I was driving around my workplace looking for parking when I saw her again, walking in the parking lot of another of that coffee shop’s locations. She looked over at me and we made a few seconds of eye contact before I had to focus on the road again. My first thought was a concern that she thought I was following her around, followed by a worry of how odd it looked that I was plausibly also going to a separate location of that coffee shop just hours later. I finally found parking up the street and texted that friend about how I’d seen her again and how that felt like a sign to reach back out.
I checked and we had last talked on Hinge at the beginning of summer, and our brief conversation ended when I made kind of a bold invitation — not uncharacteristic of me. She didn’t respond and I remember feeling bummed. I had responded to her with my thoughts in separate messages so there were three messages from me and nothing after, and that was four months ago.
The dilemma is whether I should reach back out. On the one hand, I would be sending a fourth message out of nowhere four months after being left on read, which does not look great. Plus she might not have recognized me either time and could’ve just been wondering who was making intense lesbian eye contact with her. It’s risky to message her again and it might be weird of me to act like I didn’t get the implicit message in her not replying.
On the other hand, I’m a girl who likes to think that if something could be a sign then it is a sign. I love a sign! Coincidences usually aren’t just random events to me. I want there to be a little extra meaning in my day-to-day life, and why shouldn’t there be? Even if there isn’t any specific way to interpret something, still that enchanted feeling, the feeling of living a charmed life, genuinely keeps me going. I’m also someone who’s oriented towards connection so I love an excuse to reach out. If someone’s in a dream of mine, it feels like a sign to text them so I probably will, especially if it’s a way to check in if it’s been a while or to shoot my shot. If someone was on my mind and then I see them or get a text from them, I like to share that. I’m ~being the change I want to see~ because I want to know these things in return — consider this my request! — and I want to be connected to people who see the world in a similar way.
Seeing someone whom I’ve never seen in person randomly around town twice in one day didn’t feel random to me. What would I have to lose in reaching back out? There are norms to the apps though as well as just to everyday life as a person in the world, and messaging her in my opinion straddles the line of appropriate and not, of being different in a refreshing way and being different in a weird way.
A lot of norms though are fucking boring! You’re telling me we’re all just supposed to let connections go cold and stay that way despite mutual interest, and not reach back out to friends and old lovers when they come up in thoughts or dreams, and not assign some meaning to the coincidences we experience? That feels sad to me and I want more than that.
Ultimately, I decided I’m going to leave the ball in her court, partly because I’m feeling let down already by having been left on read by another hot person recently. Self-care as minimizing disappointment. But I’ll be thinking about her, and I’ll be hoping for a message that probably won’t come.
dilemma #2
I’m mad! I was hurt by a close friend and I’m trying to let myself feel all the emotions that spring up from that: anger, sadness, longing, loneliness, regret, confusion, loss. These aren’t all feelings that I allow myself to feel openly, and they’re emotions that a number of people have tried to tell me not to feel in the past. Anger especially.
It’s something I respect and validate in others, and other people’s anger feels like permission for mine. Because I do feel like I need permission for it. My biggest question to my therapist last week was “Am I allowed to feel angry?” She said yes of course and reminded me that my emotions are valid, it’s just what I do about them that deserves questioning. And isn’t that so obvious and so simple? I’m wondering why it doesn’t feel like that to me. Or rather, I know why it doesn’t.
If I think about other times I’ve been angry in the past, I also think of the family, partners, friends, roommates, and employers who have tried to talk me down from it. So many people have made me feel like I shouldn’t be mad by saying what they did or said was actually justified, and actually I was overreacting for being emotional about it and selfish for not seeing it from their perspective. People have loved to tell me I’m just not understanding their side of things, as if having four Libra placements — my Libra stellium — doesn’t mean I see where others are coming from before I see my own perspective. Too many times I’ve felt invalidated in my feelings before I even knew what those feelings were. No, that’s not happening in this situation thankfully, but that’s the lens through which I’m seeing and feeling her decision.
My dilemma is I don’t know how long to stay mad at someone I don’t want to be mad at. I understand where she’s coming from — because of course I do — even though I really wish the outcome had been different. She also gave a good apology for the situation. This made me feel disarmed and left me feeling like it’s irrational to stay angry. I said I was going to take some space and wondered if I would be doing so just to make a statement. How long can you be angry with someone who’s telling you it’s okay to be angry, especially when you’re not used to having that validated?
I’m wrapping up another fourth step now and I don’t want any new resentments already, when I just took inventory of all the ones I’m holding onto and attempted to let go of the ones I could. I’m trying to be with the emotions that are coming up in their intensity and believe they’re welcome and appropriate and protective, before I start to work out what to do about them. I want peace over conflict and repair over distance — that Libra stellium again. I think these things will come, in time.
This new moon is adding more depth and breadth to these dilemmas and others. I’m taking it a day at a time though and setting intentions for patience, clarity, and some (positive!) excitement. I’m wishing you the same.
Here’s my previous new moon post: