Hi! Thanks for being here. I slept with the window open last night, and the lows are in the mid-50s the next few nights! That won’t last and I’m still happy it’s summer and all, but this is nice. Pleasant even!
Here’s a collection of takeaways and faves from Leo season this past month (July 22nd - August 22nd). Virgo season starts tomorrow, and you can find an overview of Virgo season’s upcoming astrology at the end of this newsletter. If you haven’t subscribed or would like to upgrade your subscription, you can do so below.
I kinda feel like I’ve done nothing all summer but wait for myself to be myself again, you know? I’m having a Georgia O’Keeffe summer out here. This current Leo season + Mercury retrograding from Virgo into Leo + Venus in Virgo combo though, as a Virgo with a Leo Venus, has had me reflecting on and analyzing some dating life patterns lately.
One thing that I realized recently is that in the context of my love life, I am attracted to unavailability. I’m sure some friends or my therapist could’ve told me this a while ago, but it clicked for me on a random Tuesday afternoon. Now, I’ll go ahead and say that I’m not expressing a judgment toward anyone in my past or present in talking about unavailability here. I don’t think I’m even that available myself these days. I mean it in a neutral, factual way, where someone has less time and/or capacity for others. In this case, for meee.
I was thinking about how I’m waiting for some texts and dating app messages back from a few people, and how I spend more time thinking and talking about them than people who make time for me and are clearly interested. I thought back to some other connections and that felt true at many points in the past too. I don’t want anyone to go reading into this and think I wasn’t interested or excited if they were being consistent and communicative! I believe it’s just that when someone isn’t available in those ways, it’s enticing to my brain in a way I wish it weren’t. I get to yearn, to ponder, to agonize in some cases.
A friend who responded to a close friends story I put up about this had this to say: WHAT A CLASSIC!! Well it’s such a safe play!!! Fantasy vs reality where someone will get to know you and you get what you deserve!!!
A safe play indeed! Creating a whole story in my head and letting it play out in every possible way it could; getting caught up thinking about whether they’re thinking about me; complaining to friends that I’m bored and lonely because I’ve been left on read, whether for two months, two weeks, or only two days. All of this detached from the reality of how they might actually feel about me, and from the reality of letting someone in with the risk and discomfort that can bring. The mortifying ordeal of being known and all.
I related to another friend about this when she was talking about a past relationship of hers, and said I also seemed to want something that isn't healthy for me in relationships, despite better judgment. We wondered about how we can rationally know a person or a pattern isn’t good for us, but still want it anyway.
There’s plenty of other things that I want on occasion that I know aren’t good for me: cigarettes, alcohol, staying up until 2 AM, stopping my meds. Is it an impulse to self-sabotage then? Or since it’s relationship-based, do I get to blame my parents? To look at it from an attachment perspective, there’s plenty of overlap between the unavailability I’ve been talking about and avoidant attachment — although that has a more negative connotation that I’m trying to ~avoid~ here. But still, as someone with anxious attachment tendencies, am I actually seeking out connections that bring those out for me? I want security, but maybe the familiarity of that anxious–avoidant tug of war is security in its own way. Instability might feel stable if it’s the ground I’m used to walking on.
In thinking about it all, I’ve put together that when I don’t know if someone is still interested in me, that seems to do more for my brain than when there isn’t as much of a doubt. I love when there isn’t any question to it! I would like to not have to speculate and stress! And yet, it almost feels like the less someone gives me the more they’re on my mind.
I have a few new matches that I’m excited about, and a couple of people whom I’ve met up with and would like to see again. Here’s hoping these people message me back so I can work on breaking this pattern. Because I do want to — I want to want what I say I want in sex and dating. I want people to fantasize about me, flirt with me, fall for me. But wires must’ve gotten crossed at some point because it seems like unavailability draws me in instead of turning me off.
It’s exhausting to keep on finding things out about yourself. Like, why does there have to be more? And then to need to WORK on yourself EVEN MORE because of it too — groan!
I’m willing to try doing that work now though. If the alternative is continuing to hope for more from people who can’t give it to me, or to obsess more over people who barely think of me, I want to try grounding myself in reality and seeking out people who keep me here in it instead. I’d rather have someone get to know me; I’d rather get what I deserve.
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Overall, this summer has kinda been like this unfortunately:
It’s been a lot of this too:
Currently, it’s also like this:
Thankfully though, it’s had plenty of this as well:
As every summer should.
faves ♡
🎵 “Honeycrash” - Sasami
This banger! I haven’t been able to get into much of SASAMI’s music overall, but I hit play anyway as soon as I came across this new song from a few months ago. I’m glad I did! This song and the next is the vibe I’ve been feeling moving into late summer.
🎶 “Massachusetts” - Hannah Cole
I was excited about seeing her open for Annie DiRusso earlier this year, and her set was great. Two of her songs were in the top twenty of my Spotify wrapped last year, and those specific two said a lot about my overall emotional state for the year. I like this one and “Table” from her new EP. I’m into this heavier sound from her!
📘 The Pairing - Casey McQuiston
Big fan of One Last Stop, big fan of their new book too. The premise is fun: two bi exes have a hookup competition when they both end up on the same European food and wine tour. It’s sexy and it felt like a perfect summer read. The descriptions of all the food and the sights and scenery were so lush! I love when a novel is richly sensorial and you can taste and smell the meals, drinks, flowers, etc. This book reminded me of another fav queer novel of mine, Yerba Buena, in that way.
🏅 the Olympics
My IG feed was almost exclusively USWNT soccer content for a couple weeks and it was great. I was happy to see them pull it together and win gold after last summer’s disappointment in the World Cup! And that’s enough hard-hitting sports analysis for one newsletter. I was looking forward to the skateboarding events too — those teen girls can fucking shred! I wish my body were as resilient and I could take up skateboarding again. I watched some gymnastics, swimming, and track events, too, but didn’t branch out much from that. Apparently there were also men doing sports at the Olympics, and good for them! I don’t know if anyone actually watches them but gender equality in sports is important.
🧼 Secret gel deodorant
Yes, I’m here to sing the praises of a deodorant. I was always a solid deo girl, and idk what came over me but I reached for a gel one recently to try and wow, I don’t know if I’ll go back. I’ve felt less sweaty — it seems like the gel gets more coverage or maybe it just works better — and I haven’t had to worry about white deodorant marks on any tops. It takes a sec to dry once you put it on but that’s really the only minor downside I’ve noticed. Is everyone already using gel and I’m just super late to the antiperspirant party? I didn’t even get a fancy one or anything, just your standard Secret in the scent delicate rose (much like myself). I think just about every woman I know says they sweat a lot and I see that from women online all the time, too, and we seem to be saying it as if it’s abnormal. Obviously sweat stains aren’t ideal, but not sweating is just another bullshit gendered beauty norm! I know people know this but it’s been on my mind, and maybe you need a little reassurance that it’s okay! to perspire! when it’s hot! and sometimes when it’s not!
🍈 cantaloupe
She’s the fruit of the summer for me. And not just because I can’t have all my go-to fruits since I’ve had to eat low FODMAP foods for the past two months now. I finally learned how to pick out a good one and how to actually cut the dang thing too. I am considering getting one of those melon baller scoops for the nostalgia factor though. Best served refrigerated and eaten out of a big tupperware. Come on over — I’ve got plenty to share!
Virgo season astrology: Aug 23rd – Sept 22nd 🌠
Aug 22nd – Virgo season starts ♍ 10:55 am (EDT)
Aug 28th – Mercury direct (retrograde since 8/05) ➡️ 3:59 pm
Sept 1st - Uranus retrograde (until 1/30/25) ⏪ 11:18 am
Sept 1st - Pluto (retrograde) → Capricorn ♑ 10:08 pm
Sept 2nd – New moon in Virgo 🌚 9:55 pm
Sept 4th - Mars → Cancer ♋ 3:46 pm
Sept 9th - Mercury → Virgo ♍ 2:50 am
Sept 17th - Lunar eclipse & full moon in Pisces 🌝 10:34 pm
Sept 22nd – Fall equinox & Libra season starts 🍂 8:44 am
Thanks for reading! Tell a Virgo that they’re right sometime this next month — it’ll make their day.
𝒞 🩷
My fav piece I wrote this past month:
And the previous astro season newsletter: