i tried avoidant attachment for a week — here's what i learned

therapists hate this one weird trick

Hi, thanks for being here. The idea for this piece came out of recent conversations I’ve had about how avoidant attachment seems like the best insecure attachment style. It would be in line with avoidant attachment to put a paywall up, but I’d rather share this piece with more folks because I had fun with it. You can subscribe to receive more of my writing in your inbox, and I appreciate likes and shares of my work. Tysm <3

I am generally securely attached in my friendships and relationships. I have done a lot of work both in and out of therapy to develop secure attachment as an adult, after growing up in a family that made me feel anything but secure. I do, however, have anxious attachment tendencies that can come out in some circumstances with friends and partners. I’ve often felt like it would be far better to have dismissive-avoidant attachment, so I thought I’d try that attachment style on for size to see what I could learn from it.

It would’ve been easy to make a total joke out of this exercise by just writing I ignored all my friends and didn’t open dating apps for a week, but I wanted to genuinely attempt to shift my mindset and behavior as an experiment to see what observations stood out. Despite my personal judgments of avoidantly-attached people, I wanted to respect that it’s not a consciously-chosen approach to relating. Also, if there’s something I’ve learned from dating and being friends with these folks, it’s that the style isn’t just characterized by complete avoidance — it’s more nuanced than that. When I’m on the other end of it and feeling attachment insecurity, it’s hard to see that nuance though.

I’m only casually hooking up with people right now, so while in some ways it’s a less ideal time to test this out — because I don’t have any partners I could just leave on read ;) — I’m seeing this as a good baseline to work with since my attachment system isn’t experiencing any major stressors at the moment. Maybe I’ll revisit this the next time I date someone, if they don’t start avoiding me first.

To prepare for the week, I asked for folks’ experiences with avoidant attachment in an Instagram story and heard back from a handful of friends. I had a few longer conversations about how the attachment style manifests for people, especially in their friendships and general day-to-day mindset because I wanted some examples of how to apply it to my current life. I also read the more popular attachment books: Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy (subscribe to receive my upcoming essay about Polysecure!); Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love; and Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make - and Keep - Friends. I read some articles as well and unhelpfully, the only articles I could find online were about how to work through your avoidant attachment. There’s plenty of those articles though, and some of y’all need to start reading, just saying!

Monday

9 am: Today is a day off for me and not long after I woke up, I put up a close friends story giving folks a heads up that I would be trying out avoidant attachment for the week:

Then I turned on Do Not Disturb and made myself a cup of tea. I recognized in planning for the week that it would probably mean being on my phone less due to less texting and time on Instagram. I knew I didn’t want to just see this as an excuse for a “phone detox” though — I was going to try to connect differently, not necessarily less. I’ll be interested to see what my screen time notification shows on Sunday.

10 am: I had my weekly therapy session, where I brought up this avoidant attachment trial run with her. My therapist just laughed and didn’t seem to approve or disapprove. We talked about friendship and ways I’m feeling satisfied and not, and how I could work on adjusting some desires and expectations to maybe experience less disappointment. We also talked about how I’ve been finally starting to feel better again after stopping Wellbutrin at the beginning of the year. Therapy hasn’t been the most helpful lately though. Maybe I don’t need it; maybe I can handle my problems fine on my own.

1 pm: I met up with a friend and we caught up for a couple of hours. I talked to them about my experiment this week, and they shared about how their experience of attachment is that they feel anxiousness sometimes and avoidance at other times. I tried to be a little less vulnerable and disclose less, but that was difficult for me because I’m usually an open book (and oversharing is in this year). I stopped myself from having an anxiety-motivated check-in about how they feel about our friendship and if everything is okay though.

4 pm: I got home and opened up the three dating apps I’m on — Tinder, Feeld, and Hinge — to see I had no new matches or messages. The apps have been dead lately and I consider whether I want to take a break for a little while. They’re not really taking up much of my time or interfering with the focus I’m putting on myself, so for now I decide against it.

7:30 pm: I went over to a friend’s place to start watching the new season of Sort Of. The two of us and her girlfriend talked about attachment, and I learned that my friend identifies with avoidant attachment. She told me she considers it one of her shortcomings. (Her girlfriend: “Well, you said shortcoming, not me!”) Also, I noticed I had gotten some texts when I pulled into their driveway. I’ll come back to that here, but for tonight I chose to ignore them. Avoidance isn’t so hard after all.

Reflections: Day one down and I think I did pretty well. With the friends I saw, I explained the nuance that I’m aiming for in trying out this style — not simply avoiding everything, but attempting to respond to situations in a different way than how I’m inclined. I did send a friend a six-minute-long voice note in the evening however. So much for making moves in silence.

My fav response to the story I put up:

Tuesday

7 am: I woke up early after an intense dream and couldn’t fall back asleep. A friend was in it and I wanted to tell her, but didn’t. I got out of bed and started the kettle for tea, and I pulled my tarot card for the week because I forgot to yesterday: The Chariot. From the guidebook: “Try something you’ve never tried. Throw away your atlas. Release the past.” Relevant.

12 pm: After this one-on-one marketing meeting for my new job, I took another look at the texts and responded. Not responding to someone within a few hours is unlike me, especially with something like this: the texts were from an ex who I haven’t talked to or even watched an Instagram story from since last May. We’ve been taking space. I like that I heard from her out of nowhere in my avoidant week because of the great cosmic timing, and the opportunity it presents me to reverse roles a little. I experienced a lot of anxious attachment with her, especially toward the end of when we were seeing each other this time last year, as she was pulling away and putting up walls. I was trying to balance respecting her need for space with my desires to see her and seek reassurance. She texted last night to ask about catching up, so I asked her when she’s around next week. How do I feel about the possibility of seeing her again after all this time? Uncharacteristically, I chose to distract myself with a book instead of figuring out how I felt.

2 pm: A water pipe burst by my new job so I didn’t have to go into work this afternoon. I love when I actually get two days off in a row.

4:30 pm: I left to go over to this woman’s apartment to hook up, but my car’s transmission issue was really acting up on the way so I called her to cancel and headed back home. I felt bad about it, and I guess my car got the memo about my avoidant week. She and I have hooked up a few times now and it feels casual still, which is all I’m wanting. She texts infrequently, but regularly enough that I could feel like I wanted more space if I wanted to feel that way. I haven’t, but decided to try to: I can see how receiving a little more communication than I want might feel like independence being infringed upon, autonomy being pressured. My default when plans are canceled is to figure out a new time soon after, but I decided to just heart-react her text saying she hopes to see me soon. (Yes, I felt like an asshole for that.)

Reflections: The theme of today seemed to be avoidant attachment in my dating life, but in unexpected and unintentional ways. I really didn’t think I would hear from that ex again, and the serendipitous timing gave me an opportunity to reflect on the attachment-related challenges we had while dating. And later in the day, my car made me inadvertently avoidant because I had to cancel so last minute. I definitely associate flakiness with this attachment style. I also feel like avoidant attachment has top energy to it. Maybe this is the attachment style for me.

Wednesday

9 am: Today is a different ex’s birthday, and I remembered anyway but was reminded by a gcal event notification. An unfortunate consequence of having a dedicated google calendar for people’s birthdays that automatically notifies you the day of so you can remember to text them, is that you might take it a little personally when not everyone remembers your birthday. I tried to decide what the avoidant thing to do is around wishing an ex a happy birthday, but I ended up just texting her. I used fewer emojis than usual however.

11:30 am: I went to work because the client I was supposed to work with yesterday afternoon rescheduled to this morning after the pipe burst. (Trying to be more closed off with friends this week is making me feel like a pipe that’s going t– you get the picture.) My car wasn’t acting up as much on the drive thankfully.

1:30 pm: Two things happened as I was wrapping up at that workplace — I received a confusing and stressful email from the state board for the work I do, and I was asked to cover for a coworker who felt sick. I said yes to the work because I want to get in good favor with my new coworkers, and I responded to the email in a mild panic as I was setting up. Then I let myself cry for only the minute that I was able to, before getting right back to work.

3:30 pm: I got back home and would be staying put for the night now because my evening client texted to cancel a bit ago. I felt very stressed about the email still, so I texted several friends and my sponsor to say I was anxious and spiraling even though everything was probably fine. I got the support and reassurance I needed, and as I was starting to come down I wondered how an avoidantly-attached person might handle this situation. Putting off responding to the email? Spiraling alone in their room and not reaching out to anyone about it? Dissociating and not thinking about it at all? I couldn’t just sit with those feelings alone and not ask anyone to help process what was coming up, and I couldn’t wait longer to respond to that email because I needed to know what was going on.

8 pm: I signed into a queer Zoom AA meeting that I hadn’t been to in a while. I hadn’t felt a strong desire to drink since being with my family for Christmas, so I figured it was good for me to get to a meeting after that urge came up around the email situation today. When I first started going to meetings almost three years ago, they were all virtual due to covid. I got clean on the screen, as I heard someone say once. In-person meetings are great, but the familiarity of Zoom meetings is very comforting. And people’s shares just hit different when you’re nodding along while eating oreos in bed.

Reflections: Stressful day! I couldn’t have kept myself from reaching out for support if I had wanted to. It must be lonely to keep walls up out of a fear of intimacy or a distrust of others, especially if one isn’t really choosing whether they’re closed off. The ordeal of being known isn’t that mortifying though! It feels good to be known so well.

Thursday

9 am: I’m halfway through the week and it’s been an eventful one so far. It’s my other regular day off and I started it by catching up with the ex I’m besties with. I tried, again — because I’ve been trying, I swear — to act emotionally unavailable and be less open, but it’s hard to push away people who are already so close. Maybe that would be easier to do when it’s someone with whom I don’t have a history of fu– friendship.

11 am: My sponsor and I met at Panera for our weekly check in. I considered not talking to her about what’s happened over the past few days but it’s, like, not great to not tell your sponsor things. So I filled her in on the stressful email situation (that’s on its way to being resolved now!) and we discussed the texts. Then we continued reading about step 6: becoming entirely ready to have our higher power remove all of our defects of character. I am, in fact, entirely ready to have my anxious attachment issues removed.

3 pm: I had an acupuncture session with someone who offered me a complimentary one. I did hold back on sharing some medical and personal info, but that was only partly about my avoidant week. I was apprehensive about having needles in my belly for the first time. It turns out that I have a spleen qi deficiency, and she had many recommendations for this — one of which was taking these herb tablets that she said might make me feel like time has slowed down. (Apparently that’s a positive thing.) Maybe I should ignore all of her suggestions though — my qi and the normal pace of time feel fine enough to me, and I don’t know that I can trust the health recommendations of this woman I just met. Maybe I’ll cancel the follow-up we scheduled.

5 pm: I had a phone call with my ex whose birthday was yesterday. It was nice to catch up — we hadn’t chatted since I visited her last month. Afterwards, I tried to have alone time in my room away from my roommate, but we ended up eating dinner together and I shared about all of the things. I was successful in having solo time and not talking last night though, so I guess I’m not doing too badly at this.

Reflections: I don’t have a fear of intimacy; I crave it and feel grateful for it. I don’t want or need much alone time; connecting with friends (and partners, when I have them) is nourishing for me. Attempting to be more isolated and autonomous is hard when I’ve oriented my life towards my friendships in a lot of ways. I did hit on a friend today though instead of just keeping that thought to myself. That might have been a little antithetical to my goals for this week.

Friday

11 am: A friend and I went to a rally for Palestine. It was well-attended despite the gross weather, and I was glad I didn’t have work this morning like I usually do so I could go.

1 pm: I had a wide open afternoon, but I stopped myself from seeing if any friends were around to hang. Alone time, I kept reminding myself. I wrote and read and went for a long walk instead. On the walk I listened to a Spotify-generated playlist called Avoidant Mix. Some of the songs were pretty fitting: “Bad Friend” by Rina Sawayama, “Casual” by Chappell Roan, and, of course, “Stayaway” by MUNA.

5:30 pm: Only one client today, but it balances out because tomorrow is full. After work, I came home, started watching a show, and checked the apps. I declined a Hinge like from a woman whose profile said she was looking to explore her sexuality, and I responded to a message from a hottie who said that I “have a really cute vibe.” I thought about reaching back out to someone I went on a promising date with at the end of last year, but I decided I would hold off and wait for her to text back. Maybe I won’t respond if she does though; maybe I don’t want to date at all now and open up to anyone new.

Reflections: I was so distant and withdrawn today, yay! This week I’ve been thinking about how to be the one who wants something less. That’s something I associate with this attachment style, and it hasn’t historically been the case for me in dating or in friendships. I know I’ve come off as needy and clingy many times before. I worry a little more about acting that way in friendships than in relationships though. Who wants a clingy friend? Well, I only exchanged texts with five friends today — miss independent, miss self-sufficient, miss keep your distance.

Saturday

8 am: I didn’t sleep that well — I’m weaning myself off of melatonin at the acupuncturist’s suggestion — but I got myself out of bed and did some morning stretching. Today’s a full work day, and I like my work a lot but was already looking forward to being back in my bed tonight.

12:30 pm: I texted with a friend who wanted help thinking through what to do about a dating situation she’s in, and then we discussed a situation I’m in. I was tempted to share some relevant wisdom I feel like I’ve gained from this week, but I’ve been trying to see if I could be a little less connected to my thoughts and feelings. What would it be like to not always be in a state of processing? To not always be so present and aware? It sounds kind of freeing.

6 pm: I got home after work and had no social plans for the evening, which was honestly a relief because I was physically and emotionally tired from today. I turned my phone off — avoidant queen — and tried to turn my brain off with a show too.

Reflections: Today while working, I reflected on the several experiences I’ve had where someone I was dating pulled away when things started getting more serious. In those instances, it was especially upsetting because I knew closeness was something they wanted too. That line from “So Special,” another fav from MUNA’s breakup bops oeuvre, comes to mind: But I thought you were right there with me. What’s a woman with anxious attachment tendencies to do? Date people but leave at the first sign of avoidant attachment? Or stay with someone and hope they’re willing to work on their attachment insecurity, like I’m working on mine, and risk more hurt and heartbreak?

Relationship advice for the anxiously attached, even if it’s well-meaning, still often comes off as You should’ve known better than to stay with them — or worse: You shouldn’t have pushed them away. It can be hard to see an attachment pattern until after a connection has ended though. Regardless, I’m learning that many avoidantly-attached people are also trying to do the difficult work of being in relationship with others, just like I am. How they show up and what they struggle with, however, looks different than how and what I do. I want — or I’m choosing — to believe people can be worth the patience and work, despite any attachment insecurity they might have. I hope people believe the same of me.

Sunday

10 am: It’s my last day of trying to have avoidant attachment and I’m unavoidantly on the phone, catching up with a cousin I’m close with. For the most part I’ve succeeded in being less social this week and keeping to myself more. As a Gemini rising though, it’s a challenge to keep my mouth shut. My screen time was up 7% this past week, which is unexpected. I think I did more writing on my phone than usual, but I thought spending less time texting and on Instagram might offset that.

12 pm: I’m the Zoom host for my AA home group’s weekly meeting, and I kept my camera off as usual but today I didn’t share at all. I typically do so this felt unusual. I saw it as not letting folks in by not sharing what I’m struggling with right now in my sobriety.

2 pm: Some more work, and all went well. I was looking forward to tomorrow — a day off, and the end of this trial period.

7:30 pm: My bestie ex and I went to see All of Us Strangers. We both really liked it, and I had a steady stream of tears coming down my face throughout because it brought a lot up for me, in addition to just being a sad but gorgeous movie. I dropped her back off at her new sweetie’s place after, and I had a reflective and teary rest of the evening by myself.

Reflections: I did it! I made it through the week, and being avoidantly attached went so well today that I almost want to keep it up for longer. Almost.

Takeaways

I describe myself as an anxious attachment apologist in the blurb about my newsletter because I think it could use some defending — it’s the attachment style that gets more shit in the literature and online. I’ll write more about this at some point. For now, I’ll just say that I think those with avoidant attachment tendencies should also be working to develop secure attachment. The onus seems to be placed on people with anxious attachment to make relationships more tolerable for our avoidant friends and partners. It hurts, though, to be pushed away by someone you care about; it feels personal when someone you love wants more space from you; and it’s upsetting to be written off as needy and demanding simply for having more of a desire for intimacy, consistency, and reassurance.

After taking on avoidant attachment for a week, I can see how, for many, it probably isn’t just a state of total coldness, a mindset of complete distancing. I can feel the ways it hurts to push people away or to not let people in to begin with. Those were sentiments expressed in conversations I had with friends who identify with the attachment style.

One friend said they feel disappointed with their brain for how the avoidant attachment will seemingly just click on and start compiling reasons to withdraw from someone they’re into and do want to connect with. They feel frustrated by the feeling of having one foot out the door, which comes up sometimes when they’re trying to get closer to someone. Another friend said they struggle with conflict and have a hard time letting go of grudges. They said they can also be overly self-reliant in a way that comes off as reserved and disinterested. An ex of mine said when faced with a relationship hardship, the attachment style can manifest for them in thoughts of I don’t really need this person, and How bad would it actually be if we ended things. They told me that after things didn’t go well the last time they visited when we were still partners, they had a strong voice in their head telling them they could avoid feeling bad about themself and other hard feelings by just ghosting me. They said though that their rational brain knew that would be a fucked up thing to do to someone they felt so much mutual care and respect for. (I got a little more closure than I might have wanted in hearing this.)

As for the drawbacks that I noticed over the week, the distance I tried to put between myself and my friends made me feel lonely, and I didn’t even do a great job of it. I could imagine that space feeling less isolating to someone who has a greater desire for independence though. I also didn’t like how being more closed off made me feel like a bad friend. I’m sure I would’ve felt the same if I had acted that way with a partner too. That’s not to say I think that of all people who display this attachment style’s behaviors, but it’s not how I like to be as a friend, so I don’t think avoidant attachment suits me. Anxious attachment doesn’t suit me either, for the record, but at least wanting to connect feels more in line with the way I want to be with others.

Something I found myself unable to do this past week was withdraw when I was stressed, instead of seeking support. My instinct is to reach out and ask for help. That’s the opposite of what I’ve observed in dating a few people with an avoidant attachment disposition. I’ve watched as several people I’ve been with retreated inwards when they were struggling, distancing themselves not only from me and the support I was trying to offer, but also from their friends who would’ve offered the same. I don’t know if there’s anything I could’ve done differently to help any of them feel like they could’ve let their walls down. I’ve learned though that it’s not my responsibility to manage that for anyone else.

Overall, there were definitely some benefits to this attachment style that I noticed. It felt nice to care less, or to try to at least. I could see how that would be self-protective for someone who doesn’t have to work at it, and if you don’t care as much about maintaining connections or about rejection then you don’t have as much to lose. Also, being a little more self-centered for a week felt like a helpful reorienting, especially since I have a lot going on personally that I want to focus my energy on. The extra alone time was beneficial, too, for my writing and reading, which I don’t always have as much time or energy for with the level of socializing I like to do. I also kind of enjoyed being out of contact and more uncommunicative over the week. I’m usually pretty responsive via text and I love phone calls and active group chats, but it felt good to take a break from being as available.

This was a fun experiment, and I feel like there were some useful takeaways for me. In the future, I do want to challenge some of my thoughts and behaviors by trying to put on this mindset when I feel anxious attachment come up. Now, it’s time to turn off Do Not Disturb and text all of my friends to ask if they’re mad at me.